145 ~ A force more fierce ~

“My soul pours it’s contents onto paper”

Ohh..! Dearest ailing heart. What else can I say?

Other than, wherever you’re headed.. It will be okay

Keep the faith and with conviction continue to pray

Are the words that finally escaped my lips after a period of drastic progressive cardiac changes.

From trying to cope with the aftermath of a grandfather’s loss, accident recovery, helplessness of a nephews complicated illness, an extended uncles loss, witnessing atrocities around the world and more…

My body overcame these constrained circumstances in an extraordinary manner with its “usual abnormal mode of being normal” and intermittent exacerbation.

Until a few weekends ago…

After a day of exertion, a severe angina attack occurred. One I did not experience for a long time. The pain penetrated through my back and down the left arm.

Mom rushed with emergency angina medication to the rescue as I struggled to breathe due to artery constriction.

Slowly it dissipated. Gone and done. No big deal because I am accustomed to the excruciating pain of knives being thrust into my chest.

A bigger hurdle stood ahead.

The deterioration of my cardiopulmonary condition.

Of course, the disciplinarian I am.. I do all within my control. Took meds on time. Performed exercise. Rested when needed. Engrossed myself into working on my little occupation and projects until I was forced to stop ⛔🚫

To step back ⚠️

And look at the picture dangling before me:

Despite taking the complete dosage of diuretics every day, sometimes a tad bit extra. The cardiac cough upturned into full force.

Explained here

https://kayborninmay.wordpress.com/2018/03/08/38-a-knife-to-my-own-life/

This proved itself on the scale.

As I weigh myself morning and evening to estimate and keep track. The fluid retention numbers swing and fluctuate higher than before. It reduces with medication but then escalates swiftly again. Overnight.

The lengthy sequence then follows… A faster pulse rate, dizziness, heaviness in the chest cavities, etc etc etc etc

As far as my limited knowledge is concerned, supervised exercise supposed to strengthen cardiac power and output. That is why we also have Cardiac Rehabilitation.

However, in a complex situation of Dysautonomia as mines.. It seems that the results being achieved in terms of cardiac strengthing is the opposite.

A week ago, I was doing something. But had to stop immediately as I literally felt the lower portion of my heart begin to droop lower down. As though it was hanging feebly. Weak fist-like ✊ flexes as it tried to pump but barely unable to do so.

Bizarre I thought!!!! But unalarmed. I ignored and absorbed myself into work again until it persisted. Then I became concerned.

Now it is long overdue

To address this issue.

Baffled, I tried to figure out what is happening???

Then, not long after I applied basic logic, realisation flashed infront like bolts of lightning and thunder ⚡

When Heart Failure occurs, it is either because the ventricles (chambers) are unable to take in and fill sufficient blood – due to the walls having thickened, and extra muscle mass built from being overworked.

Or, due to the muscle being thin, stretched, and worn out. Therefore, unable to pump out adequate blood to meet the bodys needs.

This was confirmed in 2017 and makes total sense, that now 2 years down the line, the chambers have become so feeble. It is causing a sagging / drooping / hanging feeling.

The additional pressure – is the blood in the chamber that supposed to be pumped out, but cannot. So it seeps from the blood vessels and infiltrates into the lung air sacs (alveolar) causing higher levels of edema.

Overtime pressure in the Pulmonary arteries raises.

All the above increases the risk of Respiratory Failure or cardiac arrest.

So gotta watch how I act but I still try to overdo it 🤭🤦‍♀️

Not to mention transient stroke-like symptoms I experienced 3 days ago.

So exertion has become tougher but I persist to live, with a force.

The harder it is to walk one more step

The stronger I pray, let these lines not snap

Discussing life threatening illness is not as an easy topic

The initial progressive stages are also scary, but I do not panic.

It’s worrisome for loved ones to see and hear your condition is becoming worse. At home they’re able to tell something is wrong when I require extra help. But I do not talk about it unless urgent, in extreme danger.

It’s much easier escaping with the usual “I’m fine / I’m good, than to explain the reality.

But at some point the truth has to be told.

It feels surreal.

Although I’ve tried to make it non-existent

The signs are becoming more apparent

A reality that boldly challenges me in the face

But alongside support, reflective time, and space

I shall conquer this phase by divine aid and with grace

For, which of us can fully tell, the rewards therein to embrace

The upsurge of these symptoms relay numerous subtle signs, I discern

Sometimes they’re so intense, as if now might be my time to return?

I’m able to gauge my days might be numbered

So I fight to ensure they are well structured.

Life swivels between a matter of minutes and nanoseconds

Without forewarning, an emergency episode happens

The final lapse is in no man’s control

Only one, unto whom belongs my soul

Death is inevitable, upon an appointed time it will arrive

So I grasp the chance to do everything possible, while alive

The core point is to focus on the moment

Heart and mind aligned in the present

My illness is a disguised mercy I do not resent

By virtue of a beautiful faith, I am kept content

Waves of peace lap over when you’re not at conflict

With the effects of long-term illnesses, bound to restrict

My soul became a garden where joy resides

When I learnt to accept what He decides

For, with unlimited compassion, he allots

Whether a miracle comes, or perhaps not

No man possesses the knowledge to why?

Besides a loving diety upon whom I rely

My home, my source of strength and my solace

You know fully what is in my hearts crevice

I am grateful for your presence unto which I can always turn

Your pleasure is the foremost I toil and fail but pray to earn

Some symptoms occur with a huge scare

But with you there’s no scope to despair

The ocean flows. So does my hope.

The image below was sent to me by a dear sister 💙💙

It spoke volumes to my heart

And,

It will remain in my heart

Until the moment I depart

And gain victory

In totality.

Aameen.

To conclude this heavy topic on a lighter note. Being in tuned to my overall body and heart beat. I floated into a reverie looking at the second last sentence on the image above…

Ba-dum, Ba-dum, Ba-dum. Dum-dum! Dum-dum! Dum!!

My heart waves produce its own sound effects of a drum

😂😂

Anyone who would like to hire me for free doof 🥁 effects, can do so by simply attaching an amplifier onto my chest 🤣🤭